To control anger you have to pay attention to anger. It is a hard emotion to control because when it arises it takes over your mind, cutting off your reasoning ability and pushing you into angry action.
Angry action is generally destructive action, so a big part of controlling anger is controlling what we do when we are angry. We have to try to limit the destruction and harm our anger does to us and to others. It is like anger makes us radioactive. We need to limit how we expose others to our radiation and how long we endure it ourselves. Recognizing the toxicity of our anger helps us to break its spell.
When you are under anger’s spell and you want to let it go, you can channel the angry energy into helpful actions. You can write about whatever is making you angry, go for a walk, do some physical labor, do something constructive to burn it off. Figuring out where to channel your anger is the immediate safety plan. Changing your anger habit is the long-term approach.
To change your approach, pay attention to how much time you spend angry each day. From one day to the next, you spend a consistent amount of time being angry. Once you get a sense of how much of your life you spend angry, you can work on lowering it. Lowering the amount of time you spend angry is like quitting smoking. Your body will crave anger like a smoker’s body craves nicotine. The world will provide just enough problems to get you however much anger you are used to.
Also, pay attention to the situations that get you angry. As you become more familiar with the kinds of things you use to get angry about, you will be able to see them coming and make an effort to respond differently. Anger seems like an involuntary response to situations, but when you learn how you get angry and become curious about how it arises, you will find that there is a brief opening, between when something happens and when anger begins. That opening allows you to come up with a more aware response. For example, if you get road rage, you can notice when another driver makes a bonehead move and instead of becoming enraged, notice the fear you feel for your safety. Instead of screaming, take a breath and wish for everybody on the road to be safe from accidents.
With a strong anger habit, anger becomes an overused emotional response that overrides more subtle emotions. Anger often arises from feelings of fear or helplessness. As you practice approaching your anger with awareness, you will get better at feeling the more subtle, less comfortable emotions. Feelings of vulnerability may be less comfortable than flying off in a fit of rage, but those feelings are necessary and are less destructive to you and the people around you.
When you act angry at people, defenses arise and they try to protect themselves. When you become sad around people, compassion arises and they try to comfort you. It is a great life skill to be able to control anger because, without that skill, anger will control you.
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